[05 Nov 2003|10:05pm] ALRIGHT I'M SORRY OKAY? REALLY. But forget the new journal, really. After some thought [and an idea connected by two comments]... I'm reviving my old journal. Y'know, romanreloaded? So, add that again if you dropped it. (shoot to kill)

[05 Nov 2003|06:17pm] [ mood | wtf. ] [ music | changin' journals like I change my underwear. ] heh... sorry kids... But. I'm changing journals [again]. IF YOU WANT, ADD MY NEW JOURNAL AS A FRIEND. kurbee_v4 I'll keep this one for a few more days, just so everyone transitions correctly. (7 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[05 Nov 2003|05:40pm] [ mood | questionable. ] "There's a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time". huh. Y'don't say. (2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[05 Nov 2003|04:06pm] [ music | Hedwig And The Angry Inch - "Tear Me Down" ] I woke up early today, took the day off and went to see the Matrix Revolutions [see: last entry]. Alex brought his new woman, Chante [Alex's girlfriend tally: and Chante makes three!], which kind of irked me, but Alex has been irking me beyond belief lately, so it wasn't any different. I was conversational and polite, unlike he's been to my guests [the "white bitch" comment isn't let off just 'cause he took me out to the movies]. Headed home, discussed with mom what I think of Alex's actions and their reasoning [Alex has a chip on his shoulder because of the shitty hand at life he's been dealt, and therefore abides by the rule that if you screw people, they can't screw you, and uses his powers of manipulation to enact this]. It sounded plausible. Went to Best Buy. Bought Super Mario Three for the GBA. It's goddamn ice cold, damnit. Waves of nostalgia keep hitting me, and my childhood flashes back before me, eating cereal with too much sugar and playing this game for hours. Also bought Steps by my new favorite author, Jerzy Kosinski, and God's Mountain by Erri De Luca. Discussed with mom the prospect of buying Hector's old car, his Mercury Sable. While it's not the best thing as of yet, a nice midnight blue paintjob and some shiny rims and that would be ice cold. Odds are pitching for January. Decided to try to have more fun in life. Debated long into last night about apologizing. It's not to say I was going to apologize to keep the peace; it's simply that part of me is sick of having to apologize constantly for feeling a certain way. More on this as the conversation will be had. Found the first sketch of Habitual from Suburban Carnival. I like it. (shoot to kill)

[05 Nov 2003|12:26pm] [ mood | meh! ] Before I get on about my past night and morn, it's only fair that I give the Matrix it's own review. I won't spoil the ending unless you ask, and remember, to get the best viewing, do NOT compare it to any other movie, and you oughta see the first two right before it. ( The Matrix Series ) (shoot to kill)

[04 Nov 2003|10:06pm] [ mood | irate. ] [ music | "I remember hating you for loving me... riding on the metro" ] Sudden realization of the night: I'm like my mother in one single striking trait: We will do something against ourselves to spite another person [possibly for their benefit]. Right now, I suppose I'll debate it. Edit: There is nothing, NOTHING more frustrating than being frustrated with someone you don't want to be frustrated with in the first place. Double Edit: This was the fucking funniest in an "aw" kinda way thing ever: HunterFett 117 (10:21:13 PM): OH MY GOD HunterFett 117 (10:21:17 PM): Dude, she called again EmperorKirby (10:21:20 PM): Mhm. HunterFett 117 (10:21:22 PM): She has the CUTEST laugh EVER EmperorKirby (10:21:26 PM): LOL! HunterFett 117 (10:21:33 PM): I swear. HunterFett 117 (10:21:50 PM): She giggles and it's cute and all, but her cousin did something and she cracked up HunterFett 117 (10:21:57 PM): OH MY GOD. (shoot to kill)

[04 Nov 2003|06:48pm] [ music | Green Day - "Welcome To Paradise" [too many solos on Dookie] ] I've generally settled on what has been or could've been bothering me today, aside from the burning fact that I've been in my room all day, and that does painful things to my thought process. x This unknown factor of school and my future with it. It's better off not thought too much of. It's not to say I'm completely ignoring it, but even if I wanted to get my GED, I'd be stuck taking my classes right now anyway, and it looks better if I left on a higher note than a completely crap semester, so there's no use totally killing myself over it [for now]. Discussing the options with multiple people, peers, adults, counselors, teachers, mom, and the like, and progressively thinking harder and harder about it seems doable, but not simply jumping into hardcore "yes or no" decisions. x The most bizarre feeling of lack of importance with Mollie. It's somewhat inexplicable, and maybe it's because I don't bring things like this up with her anymore and maybe it's because I don't talk to Erik about her to maybe get some insight into her better, or maybe it's just that I don't like discussing things regarding Mollie [unless it's "we're cool", not in the lovey dovey range or the "I feel weird because of X" range], but I cannot fully explain it. I just feel like things were nicer when she was in Cali. Maybe she expected something out of me or something. I don't know. The solution? I don't know, actually. I suppose it's best not to focus on it [sense a pattern?]. x Approaching things with Devin. With his knack for saying whatever I'm doing or saying back to Jackie for whatever reason, it's made me apprehensive as hell to even continue talking to him. It was either simply do not talk to him, or filter my information to him, at least until he gets this idea that some things are not for everyone to know. I suppose I made my choice. x Jim. I don't know, part of me feels like I should've dealt with this already, and feels partially guilty because I HAVEN'T, and feels partially annoyed with the obligation of dealing with it [it was his fucking fault in the first place]. No solution yet. x I keep tugging at my hair. I haven't done this since I was a young boy. It's some sort of tic. Now, I just want to talk and talk and talk and empty myself of my thoughts and laugh and laugh and socialize. I feel slightly hopped up on medicine. (shoot to kill)

[04 Nov 2003|01:16pm] PS - I've figured out that I want to be Canadian when I grow up. (3 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[04 Nov 2003|01:04pm] [ mood | serious. ] [ music | Beck - "Where It's At" ] Edited, because I'm thinking a lot, and when I think, I talk, especially under the influence [of white fudge covered Oreos and Robitussin]. Categorized, for your reading. NaNoWriMo story. My NaNoWriMo story is set: The plot basically revolves around a man named Calvin Penfield, and focuses predominately on love. After a fight with his live-in girlfriend, causing the two to "take a break indefinitely", the two are manipulated by mutual friends into taking a road trip down the East Coast in hopes of getting the pair back together. The rest is generally comedic antics of the eccentric friends and somewhere in the early middle comes an integral piece of the main plot: another woman enters and raises the question, "Is it better to settle on someone who's a sure thing, or risk your heart with someone who makes you feel amazing?" I'm thoroughly pleased with the concept. Parts of it are based on real life, ranging from the Courtney saga [the basis of the story took shape at that point] up until now, specifically the theme of "risky love versus sure bets". I work best when I understand my characters, which is why I adore my character from Suburban Carnival rather than Holden from New York, NY. An artistic view of my closet. I put up some pictures of my friends and family on my door. After a scuffle with someone made me question friendships and made me think of taking down their picture, I decided not to, and even further, I think I'm going to put up more pictures of people who've gone by. The door's going to be more of a collage of people then and now, who've made me who I am. An artistic collage of my life, photograph-style. It's kind of an interesting thought. My fight with the future [GED style]. I've had serious thoughts about my GED recently. With an academic future in the balance, it's taking a long time to reach a decision. In short, is the possibility of taking extra time in high school really worth it? Can I eke out opportunities elsewhere solely on a GED? Furthermore, will I be able to live with myself, knowing I fell victim to a GED just like Ryan and mom? I suppose part of it is me being impatient. I want to get out already. It's taken me this long, but I've finally realized that I'm old, and I need to live my life, and this is the point where my actions are stronger and more important than ever. I want to get it over with and shape my life. However, I'm unsure as to the possibilities that lie ahead, in terms of "GED versus diploma". Can a strong portfolio, decent SAT grades, and a GED barely grasp me an acceptence to SVA? If it can, why should I leave myself to the mercy of my school? I just want something to change, already. It's taking a toll on me. A bit about suicide. It's Election Day, and this is the day I mourn. Jim, for all those who may not know or remember, once was a close friend of mine who many did not get the luck of meeting. I know amazing people now, but Jim, Jim was what true friendship was all about. Told me how it was, with enough knowledge of me to know I hate criticism. Was always there when I needed to bitch about women, and helped me to see the other side of the fence. Never, EVER told a word of my business to anyone who didn't already know it. The kid was amazing at what I lacked: communication. He was a writer and played guitar, both so intensely, it made me shiver. Wise beyond his years. Funniest guy you'll ever meet, and I mean, funny comparable to like, me, heh. And then, when he was sixteen, two Election Days ago, he shot himself, rather randomly, and died instantly. At first, I was furious. Mainly on the fact he didn't leave a note. Then, it was simply bizarre. Hard to believe. I've never had dealt with death before, and that was strange. Then, I don't know... I remember him fondly, but I don't think I've ever... I don't know. This is the first year I'm taking it harder than usual, possibly because I wish he was here to help me through these crazy times I'm living here. It was one of the first times that I told myself to keep away from people, to avoid closeness, because they always end up leaving anyway. I'll miss you, Jim, you stupid fuck. He'd be eighteen right now. Lighter-hearted sickness. I keep getting off and on sick, and I'll take too much Robitussin and feel kinda buzzed and be real mouthy and tell people a lot of brutal honesty, and I should stop, but I do end up feeling better. Taking the Seinfeld route. They say you should go out in style before you get canceled, at least in the TV industry. I toyed with that idea today, of just going out with a bang to certain people, expressing things, and then leaving them, left with fond memories and that such thing. Sometimes you have to prune the dead leaves for the plant to grow. This sounds like a sick suicide note, heh. This and more, going on in the brain of Kevin Roman, November 4th, 2003. (2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[02 Nov 2003|10:41pm] [ mood | sickcrazyrobitussin'dout. ] [ music | Two Live Crew - "We Want Some Pussy" ] Unbridled honesty by means of sickness and delirium [and Robitussin out the ass!]. While I've gotten a lot better at taking emotions such as anger and depression and molding them into more useful feelings, I'm currently fighting an overly-sentimental vibe with my utmost mental strength. ( This really isn't meant for anyone to read ) Enough of that. Take a trip with Paco. (2 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[02 Nov 2003|06:27pm] [ mood | amused x 2. ] This must be shared. Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rarely ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weigh My chequer tolled me sew. (shoot to kill)

[02 Nov 2003|11:40am] [ mood | cosi cosi. ] [ music | Screeching Weasel - "Kamala's Too Nice" ] Edit. Alright, so yesterday began at 2:00pm [+1] and was rushed for the most part [-2]. After a slight tiff about my wardrobe with mom [-1], and terrible hat hair [-1], the get-together for Jacqueline's 16th birthday began. Aside from being uncomfortable as fuck [-1], it was pleasant [+1], and I was early, to boot [+1]. My gift went over pretty well, since she cried, not once, not twice, but three times [+3]. Afterwards, dropped Devin off, hit home, and went to pick up Mollie. Things were at ease [+1] and she had a hoodie I totally am going to steal [+0]. Jackie called, and so as to not ruin her wonderful day, I sort of lied about Mollie being there [-2, but +1 for good intentions]. After Devin deciding to read our personal conversation aloud to Jack, she got into a tiff, understandably [-2]. A pensive aside: this makes me wonder a lot of what I wondered aloud to Mollie. It makes me question Devin and I's friendship, or his intentions with it, if he constantly seeks Jackie's approval via honesty, not caring to think of the repercussions, the best interest of others, and furthermore, my feelings. Also, it's frustrating to be in a situation where if I tell Jacqueline something about Mollie, she has a fit, and if I lie to keep her from having a fit, she has another fit. So, Jack doesn't want to talk to me, she says [-1]. All that aside, the latter part of the evening was pleasant [+1] and most of the early morning was pleasant also [+1]. ::censored:: [-5]. Sleep didn't happen [-1], but it was a nice time watching her sleep nonetheless [+1]. I should've took pictures of her sleeping. And then laughed [+0]. Morning came, and there was a bit of Ave. Q to listen to [+1 for each song listened to: +4 I think]. I walked her to the bus stop at the crack of ass, and so she left [-0]. Now, I'm watching White Oleander [+1], and going to make some food [+1], and contemplate how to approach current situations [-1]. November 1st and 2nd, 2003: Zero. I'll be damned, it balanced out. (shoot to kill)

[31 Oct 2003|10:10pm] [ mood | WHY DO MY ICONS CONSTANTLY ] [ music | DISAPPEAR?! ] A sort of last minute, spur of the moment action. I'm torn between three stories; one is a generally planned out storyline involving a break-up, sparking an east coast road trip and the foibles that ensue, one a less-thought-out darker story involving a hard-luck life story, and one pseudo-thought out story for a man's relationship with a woman [a lot more to this one]. I have approximately... two hours to choose. That's totally hot for me. (1 dead) | (shoot to kill)

[28 Oct 2003|11:06pm] [ mood | interested. ] [ music | Guns N Roses - "Sweet Child Of Mine" ] hypocrite: "do as I say, not as I do" Webster's Definition: 1 : a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion unclear: not easily deciphered or understood. Webster's Definition: [not] 3 a : easily heard b : easily visible : PLAIN c : free from obscurity or ambiguity : easily understood spiteful: harboring ill-will and acting upon it, especially in vengeful situations [to hurt those who've hurt you, purposely or not]. Webster's Definition: 1 : petty ill will or hatred with the disposition to irritate, annoy, or thwart - in spite of : in defiance or contempt of : without being prevented by petty: not easily forgiving and/or forgetful of certain actions one does to you. Webster's Definition: 3 : marked by or reflective of narrow interests and sympathies unforgiving: having a hard time accepting apologies of others. Webster's Definition: 2 : having or making no allowance for error or weakness mistrusting: not being able to easily accept and believe the words and actions of other people. Webster's Definition: 2 : to doubt the truth, validity, or effectiveness of (shoot to kill)

[28 Oct 2003|09:29pm] [ music | Beck - "Where It's At" ] I've been thinking far too much lately, but in a calm manner, in a hopeful manner. Mostly about myself in terms of my own self, instead of myself in terms of other people, for once. In an expanding way, instead of an implosion. Partially from thoughts and exercises devised from AA's 12 Step Program, partially from thoughts and exercises stemmed from those steps, partially from conversations and realizations, but in a whole, thinking more of how I affect other people and myself. It's slow going, but thinking and realizing more than ever is positive. Now it's using this information. (shoot to kill)

[27 Oct 2003|11:03pm] [ mood | introspective. ] An exercise. stubborn: unwilling to bend to other's wishes. Webster's Definition: 1 a (1) : unreasonably or perversely unyielding non-communicative: unwilling to openly express ideas. Webster's Definition: [one who doesn't engage in] 3 a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior manipulative: one who alters situations to their own benefit. Webster's Definition: b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage 3 : to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose pushy: one who urges another to do a certain act. Webster's Definition: : aggressive often to an objectionable degree quick to temper: a hothead; one who tends to release anger without consideration. quick to assume: one who makes judgements without full information. Webster's Definition: 5 : to take as granted or true jealous: hard to explain. Webster's Definition: 1 a : intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b : disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness to be continued. (shoot to kill)

[27 Oct 2003|09:10pm] [ mood | happy. ] You can just call me Kermit. (shoot to kill)

[26 Oct 2003|11:47pm] [ mood | teh r0x0rz. ] I am in the best mood I've been in in months. THANKS GO TO: Devin. For, you know, being there, and like, showing me the hottie. Heh. Mollie. That was cute. It put the perma-smile on me. And melted my underwear. Kelly. FOR OFFERING YOUR DREAMCAST TO ME. OH MY GOD, MARVEL VS CAPCOM 2 WILL BE ON ONCE AGAIN!. Caela. For also being there to talk. <3 (shoot to kill)

[26 Oct 2003|10:28pm] Devin's possible potential love-baby is a hot hottie who makes my underwear melt. (shoot to kill)

[26 Oct 2003|09:57pm] [ music | The Suicide Machines - "What I Like About You" ] Random: x Whoever is relaying my entries back to the ex, want to tell me who you are? I'm not upset, I just find it really funny, in a way, and curiosity runs rampant. x In fact, is there anyone who isn't on my friends list who reads this? x It'd be totally hot if I was cool with all of my exes. I'd be happy as a clam without it's gooey insides sucked out. x I had yet another sex dream last night. This makes three in the past week, I believe. I wonder what in the world it means. x I notice little behavioral changes and equate them with huge motives. x I had a terribly interesting conversation last night, topics varying from Jim to the 80s. It made me think about my actions and habits a lot. It made me think in general. x Jim will have shot himself two years ago in November. x I never got my Dreamcast back, and that is a lesson learned. Women and expensive diamond/white gold rings come and go, but damnit, game consoles are forever. (3 dead) | (shoot to kill)

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]